Jan 132016


I feel like the mere fact that I am writing this 12 days into the year is part of the problem why I want to be writing this in the first place. I need to collect my thoughts onto how to really improve myself for not just the short, but the long term. For some reason making this public instead or private feels somewhat encouraging for me, which I realize is odd to most. Im sitting here stating at my todo list, one that has had so many things not crossed off for a long time. A list that has been controlling my life because I just cant sit down and find the means to be productive as I used to be. It’s borderline depressing to not be able to break out of this high stress cycle and instead drown out the things that I need to be doing with less important things like reddit and youtube. I somehow feel that by creating content in these arenas it is an escape from what I need to be doing in terms of excelling at school and finding a path to being an employed human being when I get out.

I think a lot of the stress comes from spreading myself too thin. I feel like it is a chore to keep up the level of relationships that I do, while trying to get A’s and make friends at school and be involved with clubs and play games. Shit it feels like playing games is even a chore at this point, looking at my list right now (which for those of you who are visual is a 8.5 x 11 piece of printer paper with a bunch of black ink scribbles on it, and some occasional pink highlighter) I have “Play Legacy of the Void” written on it. I have to seemingly schedule when to play games, or play games to practice for competitive collegiate gaming. When did games because a chore? In addition to that I really feel the level of inadequate coming to UCLA as a transfer and not making enough friends here. I feel that while I grow my online presence in the dota community, I am not growing my presence on campus. There are no girls that I want to ask out, there are no friends who I want to get to know better. There is just me walking around from point A to B with the Howard Stern show to drown out the background noise.

Wanting to be accepted is universal. At least I feel that it is. But I really feel the need to bend over backwards to help people. Some of my friends tell me to stop but it just feels like second nature. I don’t know where I was going with this point, maybe I’ll just leave it at that.

With grandpa dying I feel a real pain in my heart that’s just adding this external layer of stress onto me as I find myself the family therapist for everyone attempting to smooth over relations. Maybe I missed my calling as a mediator or therapist and really went to school for the wrong reasons. Today I spent three hours on the phone with my grandmother, who is my favorite person on earth, just sitting there talking trying to make her feel better. I think I did a damn good job at that, but having to prioritize family first means that school and other professional activities are just falling further behind. I feel selfish thinking that I would rather be working non stop in a bubble to further myself.

So, what do I do different in 2016 that makes a change for myself? I wrote down some goals that I want to accomplish, and I think that I can do all of them. The real question is if I can break out of this slump that I have been in for entirely too long now and actually get results. I think that this blog is a step in the correct direction in terms of this. On my list of things that I want to do, in no particular order this year:

Communicate via text message more clearly with my friends.
Be the one to make plans with people regardless of existing friendship status
Admit being the one at fault more often
Stream all the games I play
5k MMR
10k YouTube Subs
Not eat lunch alone so much
Stick to my diet and gym plan (how basic)
Write a nightly little recap of events for myself
Build a self evaluation loop

See look at how much shit that is. To me it feels like nothing and like I will accomplish it all, but because I am not necessary doing things in easy to handle bite sized chunks it just creates this overwhelming mass of stress.

I feel good about things to come. I know that if I stay organized I can knock things out and not get back into this semi-depressed slump. I’ll be fine, but I hope that I haven’t already lost too much time.