Posts by: leafeator

Jan 132016


I feel like the mere fact that I am writing this 12 days into the year is part of the problem why I want to be writing this in the first place. I need to collect my thoughts onto how to really improve myself for not just the short, but the long term. For some reason making this public instead or private feels somewhat encouraging for me, which I realize is odd to most. Im sitting here stating at my todo list, one that has had so many things not crossed off for a long time. A list that has been controlling my life because I just cant sit down and find the means to be productive as I used to be. It’s borderline depressing to not be able to break out of this high stress cycle and instead drown out the things that I need to be doing with less important things like reddit and youtube. I somehow feel that by creating content in these arenas it is an escape from what I need to be doing in terms of excelling at school and finding a path to being an employed human being when I get out.

I think a lot of the stress comes from spreading myself too thin. I feel like it is a chore to keep up the level of relationships that I do, while trying to get A’s and make friends at school and be involved with clubs and play games. Shit it feels like playing games is even a chore at this point, looking at my list right now (which for those of you who are visual is a 8.5 x 11 piece of printer paper with a bunch of black ink scribbles on it, and some occasional pink highlighter) I have “Play Legacy of the Void” written on it. I have to seemingly schedule when to play games, or play games to practice for competitive collegiate gaming. When did games because a chore? In addition to that I really feel the level of inadequate coming to UCLA as a transfer and not making enough friends here. I feel that while I grow my online presence in the dota community, I am not growing my presence on campus. There are no girls that I want to ask out, there are no friends who I want to get to know better. There is just me walking around from point A to B with the Howard Stern show to drown out the background noise.

Wanting to be accepted is universal. At least I feel that it is. But I really feel the need to bend over backwards to help people. Some of my friends tell me to stop but it just feels like second nature. I don’t know where I was going with this point, maybe I’ll just leave it at that.

With grandpa dying I feel a real pain in my heart that’s just adding this external layer of stress onto me as I find myself the family therapist for everyone attempting to smooth over relations. Maybe I missed my calling as a mediator or therapist and really went to school for the wrong reasons. Today I spent three hours on the phone with my grandmother, who is my favorite person on earth, just sitting there talking trying to make her feel better. I think I did a damn good job at that, but having to prioritize family first means that school and other professional activities are just falling further behind. I feel selfish thinking that I would rather be working non stop in a bubble to further myself.

So, what do I do different in 2016 that makes a change for myself? I wrote down some goals that I want to accomplish, and I think that I can do all of them. The real question is if I can break out of this slump that I have been in for entirely too long now and actually get results. I think that this blog is a step in the correct direction in terms of this. On my list of things that I want to do, in no particular order this year:

Communicate via text message more clearly with my friends.
Be the one to make plans with people regardless of existing friendship status
Admit being the one at fault more often
Stream all the games I play
5k MMR
10k YouTube Subs
Not eat lunch alone so much
Stick to my diet and gym plan (how basic)
Write a nightly little recap of events for myself
Build a self evaluation loop

See look at how much shit that is. To me it feels like nothing and like I will accomplish it all, but because I am not necessary doing things in easy to handle bite sized chunks it just creates this overwhelming mass of stress.

I feel good about things to come. I know that if I stay organized I can knock things out and not get back into this semi-depressed slump. I’ll be fine, but I hope that I haven’t already lost too much time.

Jan 132016

Winter 15 TV

Another season of TV passed by and I really like the idea of keeping consistent and writing a little bit about what I watched season to season on TV. If nothing else but to keep a personal log and my sanity. This time it’s going to be real quick and such. No one is reading anyways, right?

The flagship show in Amazon’s latest attempt to be Netflix. I really liked season one for the character development and seeing the transition of how the family reacts to dad becoming trans. Season 2 focuses less on that transition, pardon the pun, and more on what feels like B plots. I can see why they want to keep this train moving, the writing is still sharp and I still am very interested in the characters, but the original story is just not anywhere near as gripping, and season two feels much less intriguing to me.

Master of None:
A metacritic darling and something that a lot of friends recommended to me, but I ended up only watching half of it, painfully, and stopping. I simply didn’t find it funny, as the humor really did not hit home with me. I feel biased against it since the start since I was never a big Aziz fan, but I figured to give it the benefit of the doubt. Unfortunately it didn’t do anything special for me.

The single best show of 2015, hands down, no questions asked. Even with my extreme loathing for the ending, I still put it as a piece of work on while as the best show from last year. If nothing else the cinematography is beautiful, and the characters are multi denominational. If I could I wish that the last episode never happened. Please watch Fargo.

As a long time homeland fan I could rant for five blogs worth of words about my feelings on this season. While there were things that I liked, I just cant believe what Quinn was relegated to, how stupid stupid STUPID Dar Adal and Saul were, and how the characters seemed to just jump out of character all the time. There were some high points, but it just feels like the show is spinning its wheels with characters I dont care about, and characters who are no longer themselves. I’ll still come back tho to see that Carrie lip quiver.

Boy oh boy did I ever binge on Narcos. I think I watched all 10 episodes in less than 20 hours. I though that I wasnt going to be a huge fan of the source material, but I was quite dragged in with the based-on-a-true-story-story. I think I was demonic because I was rooting for Pablo, like I was one of those lower class who he ended up helping.

The Affair:
I said I was not going to watch season two because I loathed season one. Guess what, I watched season 2. The addition of the new perspectives made it somewhat more interesting, and I did enjoy the character arc more seeing things from additional angles. However I still hate Noah and I cant really empathize or feel attached to any of the characters.

So what am I watching for the winter 16 season?
Modern Family, Bobs Burgers, Shameless, Mythbusters (RIP), Billions, Suits, Animals, Vinyl, Better Call Saul, Girls, and Togetherness.

Nov 302015 Tagged with

Fall TV 15

Yo so this is what I think about the TV I watched from last season, and what I’m watching now. Ya ready for these dank opinions?

Rick and Morty
Best animated show ever on television? Maybe. Top 3 for sure. I still have a fondness in my heart for things like Home Movies and Bojack. Regardless Rick makes me think like no other show truly does, which is saying a lot because *burp* it still is an animated piece. Season 2 was better than 1 in my book. Fingers crossed that this trend continues for as long as possible. I’m hooked forever. Dat cliffhanger tho.


Nov 182015 Tagged with

So Good They Can’t Ignore Me + Slumpin’

It’s been a weird last few months.

Normally I don’t write too much personal stuff here. But really no one reads this shit unless I link to a big eSports article, so I feel relatively safe to talk about my life with a small veil of privacy still.

I like to think of myself as a hyper productive person. I am great at organizing tasks, doing them quickly and correctly, and working well with others in a team. I get my energy being with others as a pretty strong extrovert, and I am seldom overwhelmed. None of this feels true tho since school has started this year. While classes are not hard in the slightest, i have been having a serious issue sitting down and focusing on what to do. I don’t keep a consistent schedule, I am contently blowing off things like the gym. My to-do list is just growing and growing and I am feeling overwhelmed with this mountain of shit on top of me. I don’t even want to start to do it because it just seems to large.

I would find ways to start to sabotage myself. Excuses because plentiful where I would go into town for dinner or aimlessly do unimportant tasks as to push off the necessity in my head to do the more important things that were causing me this strife.

After playing fallout for over 10 hours a day for 5 days, I reached a breaking point. I cant keep doing this shit to myself, I need to get back on track and stop being a sad sack of shit. I started to talk about how I wasn’t feeling myself to some friends. One in particular responded with “You’re just dealing with what us normal people call STRESS Joey.” I don’t know if I agree with this or not. I feel stress all the time, but this beast was something else. I dare say depression, that feels exponentially too sever because of the stigma attached to that word.

Im taking measures now to get things back on track. Fingers crossed by the weekend and by slowly tackling this mountain I get things done. I know even today, removing myself from school and going home, I found excuse to not work. Shit maybe this blog post is even an excuse to avoid doing things. I think I need to target specific things like watching and betting on eSports, to clear that obnoxious amount of time up to solve these problems.

The best thing that happened while I was on this shitty bender was that I found the time to read a book that comes highly recommended to me by a few people I highly respect: So Good They Can’t Ignore You! A lot of the messages in the book rang true to me, and I feel like the guidance ir provides in terms of seeking a deep career or job is so poignant. I need to keep these mindsets of doing little projects and building career capitol. The dream job hypothesis does seem like such a fake elixir which is impossible to truly obtain. I could not recommend the book more highly for those who are in school and will be getting out soon looking to do a thing they want while making money, I am very happy I read it and will pass my copy along.

Here’s to getting back on track.

Nov 182015 Tagged with , ,

Crawl out through the Fallout, baby. Fallout 4 Musings.

First and foremost, to set the mood I really think you should listen to Diamond City Radio while reading this. Shit I’m listening to this while writing it, and man this entire week I have had these jives stuck in my head. Lay that pistol down baby, it’s a man, and grandma did play the numbers.

I thought that last week was going to be a productive one for me. The quarter is winding down and I wanted to get a lot of these things off my to-do list that have been bugging me. Normally when I need to cross things off my list I have a system where I will play a game of DotA or CSGO, and if I lose I need to accomplish something before playing again. It helps keep me productive while I feed the gaming addiction.

Tuesday night I bought Fallout. I never played a full Fallout game or Elder Scrolls game before. I was not uber hyped like my friends for Fo4. Shit I haven’t even finished MGS5 yet. My fallout 3 experience was two hours long, before my game saved right before a crash, leaving my save unplayable. I didn’t know what to expect, but I decided “Oh, I will play a quest and then do some work, then play another quest.” L-o-fucking-l was that logic not going to work here.

After watching my wife be killed and my son kidnapped, I was hooked. The exposition was actually quite masterful, as I felt engaged and enamored with the world pre-bombs. I thought that the feux future reality was fun, and clearly that was just the beginning of my fun time. Out of the vault I wanted to do absolutely everything I could in the world. Fallout 4 is the first open world game (with the excretion of my LA biased GTA V experience) where I wanted to genuinely explore the map and find all of it’s little corners. I took off on every side quest I could find. My goal was to finish every side quest I could before doing the main quest as to consume as much content as possible. Little did I know at the time that some of these quests would be infinitely repeating. I figured there was a lot of things to do, but after someone giving me a similar quest for a 12th time, I did get a bit concerned.

Who needs a main story line quest tho when I could play Minecraft and sim city by building up my settlement. While the fun in this did peter off with the lack of options for building placement, and a horrid interface, I did take a lot of joy in rebuilding a settlement with defense food and nice bedrooms.

Eventually I did move on to the main story. By the time I got Valentine, that was not my primary quest at the time, but instead me exploring for bobble heads, another side adventure that entranced me for hours on end. By this point I was already level 30 and barely knew the Diamond City layout. I attribute my high experience not just from the time that was sunk into side quests and base building, but my skill build. As a Starcraft player I always look at games now with an element of “macro” game play. As such I figured that starting with 10 points in intelligence would allow me to level up even faster and be stronger. Sounded like a good idea to unlock more fun perks. I soon paid for my sins of neglecting strength when my puny body could not loot and carry much of anything. I just ran around a lot with my max sprint ability and traveled light. No hoarding for me.

Because of the way I leveled my character, I did not have a certain inclination for one type of gun. I got to use a lot of weapons to see which style I was having the most fun with. I really did not like the feel of shotguns or automatics because I was playing without V.A.T.S. This decision was not a conscious one, but just one that arose when I found myself not enjoying the targeting system too much. Once i got my hands on pistols and rifles with medium scopes, I was in heaven. I could shoot exclusively head shots with high damage weapons without the use of V.A.T.S. I could sneak around or pick people off as they rushed my face. I kept this style and only slightly modified guns for the majority of my play through.

While exploring some of the most remarkable moments I had were not scripted, but instead put in place by the prop artists. By the arrangement of dead skeletons, props, and other random things (bloody bowling pin sticking out of the toilet, I remember you) I constantly found myself just appreciating the attention to detail in the scenery. I would also make up stories about what happened to these people before the bomb hit.

For me when I committed to finishing up the main quest line, mostly because my friends were doing the same and I wanted to discuss it with them, I began to be off put by the script. SPOILERS AHEAD YO DONT SAY I DIDNT WARN YA. I was an institute boy. The whole time I wanted to find my son, and I did. I sympathized with Synths and loved that there was a place that was rebuilding a between world after the bomb, even if they had to do some bad things to reach their end goal. My son was cool and I supported him, just like I think a dad should. But by the time I was playing these last few missions, everything felt so predictable. Rid the wasteland of the other factions. Dad dies. You’re kind. La de facking da how anti climatic after all of that tense buildup. When I saw that video roll at the end to signify I “beat the game” I was relieved, but not happy.

Ya see I threw a solid 50 hours into Fallout in a five day span. That’s more than a full time job and I’m not proud of it at all. However the time was enjoyed. The combat, the environments, some of the story. One of the highlights for me was being able to discuss and compare events between my two friends also playing their own stories alongside mine. I finished at level 52 and feel no real need to go back and find different endings or stories. I like committing down one story line without loading any quick saves. What happens happens in my world and I stuck with it. Even if I didn’t get to see the institute go boom.

1 2 3 4 10